Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Im part way to drunk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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