I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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