Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
