I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
