"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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