Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
