Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
