her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
