This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i believe in u and ur pee
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