i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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