I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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