she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
