bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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