They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
