Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
