Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
