And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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