how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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