i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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