Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
