hell yes lets make some ravioli
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
