Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
the liver wants what the liver wants
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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