I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
