remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
