I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
