I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
