If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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