My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
