I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
