last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
