Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
