Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
