Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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