sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
