it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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