I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
