I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
