I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
