She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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