im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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