I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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