I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
