apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
