So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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