Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
