i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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