I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
