Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
