Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
