You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
